I woke up with my face pressed against the arm of the couch. I slowly peeled my skin away from the leather and moved to sit up. My back was killing me. I looked down at my arm—it was asleep and had deep red lines on it from where it had been crushed between the cushions. The sunlight streaming in from the window hurt my eyes; I closed them.
Blindly, I stumbled into the kitchen before daring to open my eyes again. I poured a cup of cold coffee and looked at the clock. It was almost two in the afternoon.
“Caroline?” I called out. The bedroom door was shut.
I shook my arm as I walked, alternately holding it above and below my chest, trying to remember which would help it recover faster. The bedroom was empty. Our bed was still made.
The night before, I had gotten in extremely late. I had sat down on the couch to wait for Caroline, like we would do every time we both had a date. When we first opened up our relationship, we decided that we’d wait for one another before we went to bed.
I stood in the doorway, sipping my cold, day-old coffee and wincing at the pain shooting down my arm. My gaze unfocused, I could barely make out the room. I smelled of booze and smoke. Draining the last of my cup, I started stripping out of my clothes.
Feeling refreshed by my shower, I put on an old pair of sweatpants and looked around for my cell phone. It had fallen into the couch cushions. There were four texts I had sent to Caroline the night before, but she hadn’t sent anything to me.
I looked at the clock again. I was starting to worry, she wasn’t supposed to be gone all night. My finger hovered over her name on my phone. I should call, I thought. What if she’s not OK? But that’s stupid, I know where she was and who she was with. It’s fine. I flipped the phone shut. Then I opened it right back up again. I continued that dance for a good fifteen minutes until I heard someone unlocking the front door.
I hastily grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, forcing myself back onto the couch and attempting to look casual. I’m certain I failed.
“Richard’s around here somewhere. Come on in and sit down, let me see if I can find him.” Caroline’s voice sounded through the hallway. Two sets of footsteps made their way inside.
“I’m not getting off to a very good start here,” said the man with her. I recognized Brian’s voice without ever having heard it before.
“Oh shut up, you’re fine.”
Caroline poked her head around the corner. I looked up and pretended that I had just noticed her.
“Hey babe, where ya been?”
“Sorry, Brian kept me out a little longer than we had expected.” She walked over and pulled me up off the couch. She kissed me and I could smell smoke and Brian’s cologne. I flinched away a tiny bit. “Oh. Sorry. Guess I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. You hungry?”
I didn’t answer. I looked over at Brian, who had appeared in the entryway to the living room. He was wearing tight jeans and a t-shirt that clung to his skin, emphasizing the toned muscle in his stomach and arms. I felt conscious of the slight rounded belly poking out the top of my sweatpants. I sucked it in and tried to straighten up my posture.
“I’m gonna go get cleaned up, then we can go get some lunch or something.” Caroline gave me another peck on the cheek. “Go put a shirt on, I’m starving.”
Brian stood in the entryway still, trying not to look at me. I nodded at him, then went to the kitchen. “Coffee?” I asked.
———-
“Can you believe it? Brian’s been telling me all about his design business.” Caroline was gesturing wildly, her eyes wide and her lips fixed into a permanent smile. “Oh, hey, tell Rich about the guy’s house you told me about last night.”
“Oh, I don’t think–” Brian smiled demurely at me while he spoke, but Caroline cut him off.
“Sex dungeon. Swear to god. He showed me pictures of it.” She sidled up next to him and put her arm around his shoulders. “Maybe we should look into having one done. Get ourselves a nice friends and family discount, eh?”
I gave a polite chuckle and sipped my drink.
Caroline had sat next to Brian when the waitress showed us to our table. She rearranged the placemats and put her jacket next to me, near the window. The two of them played footsie like a couple of horny teenagers.
I imagined him fucking her.
“What can I get for you, sir?” The waitress surprised me. I glanced across the table; Caroline was running her palm down Brian’s stomach.
“Chicken Caesar, no dressing.” I handed her the menu and she turned to Caroline.
“What will you two be having?”
You two. The words struck me. I stopped listening. Brian made her laugh, and he was charming. His squared chin was covered in a two-day beard, but it just helped to bring out the shaggy blonde surfer. His hair was still mussed from the night before—or maybe he meticulously arranged it to look that way. His blue eyes sparkled with intelligence and curiosity as I ignored the conversation. Caroline hung all over him.
I imagined him fucking her.
Caroline didn’t notice how quiet I was, but Brian did. We finished our lunch and decided to talk a walk through the shopping district. Well, Caroline decided. As soon as the check was paid, she was dragging Brian out of the restaurant by the hand, expecting me to follow with her purse.
“So this is kinda awkward, huh?”
Brian and I were sitting on a bench outside, watching the people pass by on the pedestrian mall. I turned my head toward him and kicked the bag sitting by my feet.
“It’s all right.” I hoped to dissuade him from talking to me. For a minute it seemed like it had worked.
He fidgeted with his hands, nervously looking around, as if he was expecting someone to interrupt him. All of a sudden he turned his entire body toward me.
“Look, this is weird, but I want you to like me.”
“Oh?” I said, acting as nonplussed as I could manage.
“It’s just that from everything Caroline has told me about you, you’re a pretty awesome guy. I really like Caroline, and I really want to be a part of her life. That means that I’d be a part of your life, too, and –”
I reached over and grabbed him on the shoulder, shutting him up. “Let me stop you there. I don’t decide who Caroline dates. You don’t need to be in my good graces in order to be in hers.”
Brian looked down for a moment, not taking my arm off of him. “I know that, but… I guess what I’m saying here is that I want all the parts of her life to mesh so there isn’t any conflict. I don’t want to be a problem between you guys.”
I didn’t say anything. He was quiet for another few moments.
“Do you like me?”
I thought for a second. “No. Not really.”
“Oh.”
I let him hang for a while, sadistically enjoying him twisting in the wind. I wasn’t even certain why I enjoyed it, but the incident put a small smile on my face that I kept all day.
“I don’t really know you well enough to. Caroline says nothing but good things, though, so that’s enough for me. For now.”
His face flushed and he seemed to slacken on the bench, slouching down a little. He smiled at me.
“So I guess that means I have to keep trying to impress you, huh?”
I rolled my eyes and gave him a sarcastic smile. “Well you’ll have to start trying a lot harder.”
——
“You broke the fucking rules!” I slammed my fist down on the countertop, rattling glasses and knocking over silverware. “What, is this a fucking game to you? Maybe we shouldn’t have any more rules at all.”
Caroline sat on the couch with her arms folded across her chest. She was turned defiantly away from me, looking at me through the corner of her eye.
“Yeah, that’ll be fun. Maybe I’ll fuck some whores, get ‘em pregnant. Or fuck some ugly guys in the mall bathroom. Bring home all kinds of fun new diseases.” I turned around and kicked the base of the wall; the paint chipped off and a picture frame shook. “Won’t matter to you, huh?”
“Calm down, Rich.” She sat still, impassive.
“No, I will not calm down.” I pointed at her, making sure not to close the distance. “I slept on that couch all night. I was worried sick. I sent you message after message and you ignored me. You slept over with a guy I hadn’t even met yet, without telling me. I have a right to be mad.”
“You do. But I will not talk about it with you until you’ve calmed down.” She kept a calm, even tone. It was infuriating.
“No. You know what? Fuck you.” I grabbed my car keys and walked to the door. “Maybe it’s your turn to worry about me for a while.”
I found myself at the bar again. It was barely dark outside and I had a drink in my hand. I checked my pocket. I didn’t have cash for a hotel room; I barely had enough to pay my tab. My wallet was sitting next to my phone on the dining room table.
She’s crying her eyes out, I thought. I threw my head back and looked up at the ceiling. I should go back. Shit, no, I can’t go back now.
I fished around in my jacket pocket, hoping to find a cigarette. I had quit months ago. I pulled out a small slip of paper with an address written on it.
Can I…? I wondered. I drained my glass and slammed it down on the table.
Without thinking, I got into my car and headed to the address I had found. I pulled up next to the house and saw a light on outside the front door. There was a car in the driveway. I sat in the street for a minute, maybe longer, staring into the window. The TV was on, making the walls inside flicker blue and white. Long shadows played on their surface, jumping back and forth.
Numbly, I got out of the car, leaving it running. I strode up toward the door and knocked loudly. I looked back at the car. I still had time to run, I could make it without anybody seeing me. But I took a deep breath and faced the door.
“Hi,” I said. Chris looked at me with mild surprise on his face. He didn’t say anything. “Sorry for dropping by unexpectedly, but…”
I didn’t have a way to finish my sentence. He continued looking at me with a blank stare. I inhaled and tried again.
“OK, I hope this doesn’t come off as stalkery, but I came by without really even knowing why.” I turned my head to the side. His gaze hadn’t softened. “I was just having some issues with Caroline, and I was driving around, and I wound up here.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes. Mine felt dry and hot, as if I was going to start tearing up. “I might also be a little drunk.”
Chris sighed and stepped aside. “Come on in, sit down.”
I muttered a silent thank you and pushed inside. I sat at the kitchen table while he ran outside and grabbed the keys from my car. He sat himself across from me and looked at me.
“So what’s going on?”
I put my hand to my forehead and rubbed my eyes. “I dunno. Caroline broke the rules we agreed on. But I’m—I dunno.”
“Meredith’s gone for a couple of hours. You can’t stay though.”
“What?” I looked up at him, feeling my face drain and trying to look apologetic. “No, that’s not what I wanted.”
“Oh?”
“Like I said, I don’t know why I wound up here. I just—I don’t want to go home right now.”
“Well then I guess you need to figure out where you do want to go.” He stood and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator, popped the top off, and slid it in front of me. “Or where you want to be, I guess.”
I took a swig and raised the bottle up in thanks. “I don’t even know why I’m so mad. We’ve both broken the rules before. Fuck, I broke the rules with you guys last night.”
Chris sat back down. “Oh?” he said again, taking a drink of his own beer. The laugh track to a sitcom played softly from the other room.
“I didn’t tell her I was going out with you.”
“Why not?”
I ran my finger over the ridges on top of my bottle. The condensation was making my hands slick.
“I didn’t even decide to until after she was already–” I trailed off, taking another long pull of beer.
We sat in silence for a moment. I looked up at the clock on the wall. I had been gone for a few hours, and I had calmed down.
“It’s late, I’m sorry that I—” I looked down again at my half-empty bottle.
Chris stood, reaching down for my hand. “It’s all right.” He pulled me up and walked me to the door.
“Thanks again,” I mumbled, pushing my way out front, feeling more and more desperate to leave and stop embarrassing myself.
He put his hand on my arm and stopped me. “You shouldn’t come back unless Meredith invites you.”
“What? I–” My shoulders slumped and I turned away from him again. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.”
“Have a safe trip home.”
“Caroline?” I called as I walked into the hallway. The lights were all off. I looked in the bedroom again, the bed was still made.
I grabbed my cell phone from the table, there was a message from Caroline. Out with Brian. I set it back down.
“Yeah, sure,” I said out loud to nobody.